I dropped the ball. I fucked up, whatever your terminology is for it, I did it. Most frustrating of all is that this always happens when I feel as though I finally have things figured out. Just when I get to this stride that feels like progress is being made, out from the ground come rocks, ice, sticks, garbage and whatever else to stop me. It's just that sometimes when I get into the swing of things that are progress, my mind flies infinitely inward and upward. All around within my world and without it. When problems arise, it's so hard to even think about the roots of them, because my mind is perched up at the top branch of the tree all of the time, constantly reaching more and more toward the Sun, away from all that is reality.
1.
I missed my planned graduation date. As I was busy flying around somewhere else, the graduation deadline approached faster than I could return. If you've ever ran after a bus, you know how this feels. That glorious time-saving opportunity can come and go as it pleases, but it doesn't wait for you. You'll run after it, but it won't see you, and after about a minute of running for your life, you give up because there is no way in hell that you will be catching up with it. So then, you sit sulking in your own stupidity and sluggishness, thinking "if I just wouldn't have....." bitter at first, then sad, and then you just are. You just wait. What more can you do?
So, I'll be graduating a semester later. A curse and a blessing, as is everything.
2.
I've looked and thought about other guys while I am in a relationship. Yes, I know this isn't ideal, but it happened and happens sometimes. It's not something I am proud of, but it is something that comes form my fear of being trapped and controlled and always looking for an escape route when things aren't going as planned in my relationship. Do I act on these thoughts? No. It is my mind taking me to this other, safer, more comfortable place than the present. I tell my boyfriend about all of it because I am honest, but then we stay up talking until five in the morning talking about it. I do a lot to hurt him simultaneously always being honest. I am not a liar and never have been. Just, when one is honest with oneself, any illusions of progress can quickly be destroyed. But I keep trying. I am honest and I make bad decisions a alot.
Beneath all of this, I just feel so detached and disappointed in my time here. I wonder if all I have done has had or will have any real significance to it. All of these times I feel like I am getting somewhere, I keep falling back. I try to establish healthy, productive habits, but they tend to be fleeting moments of beautiful insight as soon as I grasp at them.
Images swim around on the surface of
my mind's sea in this golden sunlight that
reflects off of their transient existences
into the future held in my eyes
of
friends and
films and
music and
traveling and
loving and
learning and
comfortable breakfasts and
moments of insight with
art, love, and food-making
just
doing
something
with a
purpose unfaltering
and
mountain tops that
have been waiting for
me since I have been here.
And within all of this
I am
never never
never
stopping.
But then reality hits and I am in a valley looking up at clouds, not mountain tops, trash thrown all around me and that light I had seen within me has disappeared and I am left there walking up a muddy hill in the dark, realizing that I had arrived there at some point as I had psychosomatically descended
and
fell,
and
fell
and
f e l l
a n d
f e l l
a n d
f e l l .
\ /
\ /
\ /
\ /
\ /
\ /
\ /
\ /
\ /
to this point. and I always do.
Sometimes I just wish the sides of the valley would flip over into sides of a mountain.
But such is life.
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