In preparing for this trip, I have had to take into account that I am in a relationship.
Because of this, there exists an additional layer of responsibility and anxiety that I would not have had previously.
Not that having a significant other is necessarily a bad thing when studying abroad, but it makes you worry about things like fidelity and if the person you have such strong feelings for now will feel the same upon your return.
I find myself imprisoned by a nightmarish hypothetical future where everything that I have worked so hard for thus far not only is gone but will never be back in my life again. I've made some terrible decisions concerning myself and love in the past, and I live in fear of those decisive moments waiting in the darkness of the future, like some kind of mischievous thug silently awaiting the cross in our paths, in which he will try to rob me of everything I have. What is daunting is acknowledging the fact that within five months, these nightmares are real possibilities, and I am going to have to pull the strength from all that I have survived from in the past in order to defend myself from the ever-present unexpectedness of my what my future holds.
