Palpa Oculta

The reason that I have come to Costa Rica is not simply to visit a new place.
I have come here to gain a new perspective on those I already know, things
in which I have already experienced. Will this experience change me?
I'll probably have new thoughts about myself, those around me, people
from different places; I now have a new sympathy for foreign exchange students.
It gets really lonely. I've got many friends back home, but here I haven't got many.
The relationships I do have lack the depth of those I already have, and the history.
It's difficult to feel cared about very much by anyone that you have only known for
two or three weeks. Because of this unsettling circumstance, I have found myself
sitting in my room alone, looking at pictures of my friends and family, reminiscing
on a time when I felt such a deep connection with those around me.

Every night, I eat dinner, talk with my host family for a bit, and then sit in my room
in the dark, eventually falling asleep around 8:30 or 9. I find myself dreaming about
people back home, occasionally my friends here too, night and day.

It's a bit of a depressing lifestyle lately, spending so much time by myself, yet being
surrounded by so many strangers. Sometimes when I walk by someone I don't know,
I find myself wishing that they would be so outgoing as to start a random conversation
with me and want to be friends. But it hasn't happened yet.

I sound so ridiculously melodramatic and emotional. What the hell.

I'm sure things will get better. I hope. Things have been okay. I've
just been missing home so much, and I didn't expect that I would.
I've even had strong feelings of being tired of this place, resentment.


I made a video in response to this mix of anger, nostalgia, and depression